The closest female friend I’ve ever had moved very far away a year ago. We kept in touch at first and the stopped talking. A month ago she told me she was moving back. I was so excited. For the past two weeks we’ve been talking about it and she was supposed to be here in four days. And she isn’t coming anymore.
I feel broken all over again. I’m trying so hard to stay away from my old, fucked up relationship. But life just keeps kicking me…usually in the social life.
My therapist and I are working on being mentally and emotionally present. My project this week wad to try to be emotionally present with my nephew. So I did. I focus on him and tried to keep my mind there. But it as blank. I love my nephew and would do anything for him. But…being with him doesn’t make me feel anything….I pretend to be really excited…but kind of because it’s expected. I’m an awful human being.
What do you do after you have realized you’ve been living for other people your whole life? Once you’re out of the bad relationships and drama….and you have your fresh start….what do you do with it? Me? I got rabbits, spent both my paychecks on clothes, lost fifteen pounds and gained seven back….I’m still empty. I’ll let you know when I figure it out.
I don’t want to be alive anymore….I don’t know if I ever really wanted to be alive. Or if I was meant to be alive. Or if any of us were.
I’d forgotten this feeling. Darkness. Emptiness.
I don’t want to be alive.
I lost my best friend and boyfriend of the last three years tonight. I wish I were in love with him, but I’m not anymore. And I know that being together was hurting both if us because I wasn’t happy, and it showed. I wish it wouldn’t have ended like this, but we forced it too. It was a good run. I’m glad I had him while I did. He saved my life more that once and in more ways then one. But I’m not in love with him